Addict's Recovery Desire

It's an addict's desire to get one more fix and to not get caught getting it. No matter how stupid it may seem to the normal person, the addict is embarrassed by what they do. The will go to extremes to hide it, make up excuses, and maybe isolate themselves from the world. I understand this. I just found a numerous amount of bottles I had hidden around the house. I think I got them all but it makes me so angry at myself that I did that. No wonder I have lost everyone's trust as well as my own. I just have learned that when you are at the beginning of recovery you are going to discover things about yourself that you didn't even know. But it is what you do with it is what is vitally important! I may become weak at times but I need to make sure that I am honest to myself as well as others about these times. Seeking out help from others to get you through, praying to your Higher Power for His guidance and strength, and realizing you truly are not on your own. Recovery is possible if we do what it takes to stand strong, fight these demons, resist temptation, admit when we are wrong, strive to improve our life, right our wrongs, hand it over to the One who can and will give us this strength, power, and determination, and admit we are only human. Just remember that there will be times you will falter and take a few steps back, but with any mistake, it is how you handle it and correct it that makes you a stronger person. An addict's desire, no matter what the drug of choice is, is to be clean, sober, admired, trusted, respected, and most importantly loved!

The Present Is Precious

“The beautiful journey of today can only begin when we learn to let go of yesterday.” 
― Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free

I have very recently learned that I have to let go off what I have done in the past, never forgetting where I have been, but forgiving myself and continue heading forward and creating a new life for me free of addiction and vices. Knowing that if I am steadily striving toward healing that I will in turn become happy, regain the presence in and enjoyment of life, and forever continuing to do what God's will is for me. I will falter  I am only human but what I do at those times will determine the person that I am and can be. It will not be easy for any one of us but we can do this! We just need to continue taking it one moment at a time. Being proud of ourselves when we do get through these moments. Not condemning ourselves if we falter but step back take account of what happened and strive to move forward on our journey. It is truly going to be a lifelong process that we cannot escape but we can through this gain a sense of serenity and happiness that no one can take away. I pray for each and everyone of you who is facing some sort of addiction and is beginning of continuing their journey toward recovery and that you will find peace and happiness and hope that you will do the same for me as well. Have a wonderful day!

Where It All Began

I have asked myself over and over when I took that first drink and why did I take it. I have no answer to that. I just flat out don't remember. I, honestly, don't remember much of the past 6 months. I went from very rarely drinking to drinking a half gallon of Cotton Candy flavored vodka a day in less than a corvette can make it to the corner. We have an extremely strong history of alcoholism in my family but I never imagined it would hit our little immediate family, never-the-less me. I have struggled for several years now with controlling my bipolar disorder (and others as well) and was always told that it was just a matter of time before I would become an alcoholic, a drug addict, or break some law. I ran around with my head in the sand, thinking everything will go away if I ignore it, that it could never affect me, that I had better control than "Alcoholics" have, and that I will just be fine.

One day, for what ever reason, I took that first sip. That was the beginning of what almost became the end. It has brought me down so low that I was extremely drunk, sleeping on the concrete floor of the jail, having been shellacked, rights taken away, fingerprints recorded, the dreaded only call, using the restroom with absolutely no privacy but yet worrying about how I was going to be able to get out, get to my car, and finish drinking my whiskey. The picture in the paper was horrible, It was so obvious I was drunk and out of control.

The next day, through the urging of my husband, I went to detox for the third time in about 6 weeks. The time before I intentionally overdosed and the first time I was contemplating suicide. How would this be any different? They made medication changes for my bipolar disorder. detoxed me, kept me longer and then sent me home. I didn't drink for about 36 hours after I was released from the crisis center. Then one night I couldn't sleep and stayed up all night drinking the rest of my husband's beer.

I prayed probably harder than I ever had that he would not figure out. I put the empty cans back hoping he would not lift it up. But, to God's desire and will, he did. I was busted. I knew I had done wrong. Yes, at the time I was angry with him, but the truth was I know I had disappointed him, broke what little trust he had left, and selfishly harmed both him and me as well.

I had to do something. It has gotten to far out of hand. Financially, physically. emotionally, spiritually we were all broke because of my selfish disease that caused me to crave one more drink. I caused a lot of pain and heartache. I could not even imagine what I have caused but I know I caused it. All I can do now is make amends, begin my journey of a life-long battle toward recovery, and try to rebuild my life and my relationships.

It will not be easy, will not happen over night but moment by moment will happen. I just hope my loved ones have the patience to continue to endure the rockiness of the road that I am facing and beginning to travel down for the rest of my life, But right now I am thankful to say that I am sober and have them by my side even though it has only been a very short time.