I have asked myself over and over when I took that first drink and why did I take it. I have no answer to that. I just flat out don't remember. I, honestly, don't remember much of the past 6 months. I went from very rarely drinking to drinking a half gallon of Cotton Candy flavored vodka a day in less than a corvette can make it to the corner. We have an extremely strong history of alcoholism in my family but I never imagined it would hit our little immediate family, never-the-less me. I have struggled for several years now with controlling my bipolar disorder (and others as well) and was always told that it was just a matter of time before I would become an alcoholic, a drug addict, or break some law. I ran around with my head in the sand, thinking everything will go away if I ignore it, that it could never affect me, that I had better control than "Alcoholics" have, and that I will just be fine.
One day, for what ever reason, I took that first sip. That was the beginning of what almost became the end. It has brought me down so low that I was extremely drunk, sleeping on the concrete floor of the jail, having been shellacked, rights taken away, fingerprints recorded, the dreaded only call, using the restroom with absolutely no privacy but yet worrying about how I was going to be able to get out, get to my car, and finish drinking my whiskey. The picture in the paper was horrible, It was so obvious I was drunk and out of control.
The next day, through the urging of my husband, I went to detox for the third time in about 6 weeks. The time before I intentionally overdosed and the first time I was contemplating suicide. How would this be any different? They made medication changes for my bipolar disorder. detoxed me, kept me longer and then sent me home. I didn't drink for about 36 hours after I was released from the crisis center. Then one night I couldn't sleep and stayed up all night drinking the rest of my husband's beer.
I prayed probably harder than I ever had that he would not figure out. I put the empty cans back hoping he would not lift it up. But, to God's desire and will, he did. I was busted. I knew I had done wrong. Yes, at the time I was angry with him, but the truth was I know I had disappointed him, broke what little trust he had left, and selfishly harmed both him and me as well.
I had to do something. It has gotten to far out of hand. Financially, physically. emotionally, spiritually we were all broke because of my selfish disease that caused me to crave one more drink. I caused a lot of pain and heartache. I could not even imagine what I have caused but I know I caused it. All I can do now is make amends, begin my journey of a life-long battle toward recovery, and try to rebuild my life and my relationships.
It will not be easy, will not happen over night but moment by moment will happen. I just hope my loved ones have the patience to continue to endure the rockiness of the road that I am facing and beginning to travel down for the rest of my life, But right now I am thankful to say that I am sober and have them by my side even though it has only been a very short time.
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